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seven times he runs, washing his face in his hands.

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I haven't posted for awhile, but things are good. 
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Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now I'm found,
was blind but now I see.

Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear
and Grace my fears releaved
How precious did that Grace appear
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come.
Tis Grace has brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

When we've been there ten thousand years,
bright shining as the sun,
we've no less days to sing God's praise
then when we first begun.

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What if I tell them who they are? What if I take away any element of fear in condemnation, judgment or rejection?

What if I tell them I love them, will always love them?  That I love them right now, no matter what they've done, as much as I love my only son?  That there's nothing they can do to make my love go away?

What if I tell them there are no lists?  What if I tell them I don't keep a log of past offense, of how little they pray, how often they've let me down, made promises that they don't keep?

What if I tell them they are righteous, with my righteousness, right now?

What if I tell them they can stop beating themselves up? That they can stop being so formal, stiff and jumpy around me? 

What if I tell them I'm crazy about them?  What if I tell them, even if they run to the ends of the earth and do the most horrible, unthinkable things, that when they come back, I'd receive them with tears and a party? 

What if I tell them that I am their Savior, they're going to heaven no matter what- it's a done deal?

What if I tell them they have a new nature- saints, not saved sinners who should now 'buck up and be better' if they were any kind of Christians, after all He's done for you!

What is I tell them that I actually live in them now?  That I've put my love, power, and nature inside of them, at their disposal?

What if I tell them that they don't have to put on a mask?  That is it OK to be who they are at this moment, with all their junk.  That they don't need to pretend about how close we are, how much they pray or don't, how much Bible they read or don't?

What if they knew they don't have to look over their shoulder for dear if things get too good, the other shoe's gonna drop? 

What if they knew I will never, ever use the word 'punish' in relation to them? 

What if they knew that when they mess up, I will never 'get back' at them?

What if they were convinced that bad circumstances aren't my way of evening the score for taking advantage of me? 

What if they knew the basis of our friendship isn't how little they sin, but how much they let me love them?

What if I tell them they can hurt my heart, but that I never hurt theirs? 

What if I tell them there is no secret agenda, no trapdoor? 

What if I tell them it isn't about their self-effort, but about allowing me to live my life through them? 
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-I miss Jupiter

-I like this: 
   "Go on! Little sister! Go on!
    For you're beautiful, beautiful
   All the fullness of the world is yours!"

-The day can still be new even if you don't go to sleep at night.

-I never really know what to think, but I do it anyway.

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I am sitting here, feeling the breeze from Lake Michigan. I am listening to Iron and Wine and drinking Canadian beer. I just got done reading my freshmen reader, "Gimp" and skinny dipping in the ocean with Cathryn and Ellie.  I feel clean and comfortable.  I am about to go through change after change, but I have gone through hell before and I know all I can do from here is grow.  I want to be closer to God and I want to love people better.  I am ready.
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Tonight I graduated from high school. We went to dinner afterwards and Rob paid me twenty bucks to drink salsa.  That was my day.
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 The morning always makes everything look so much better.
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Half of the time we're going and we don't know where.



So, one of my best friends up and ran away.  She took her mom's credit card (later withdrew 300 bucks), her car, the laptop, some cigarettes and pawned things off with some guy.  One of his friends said they were going to California.  She just left... all of us.  She is a missing person.  There really are a lot of surprises to life.  So I am sitting here in Jessica's house.  She is decorating her holiday tree with black and white paper for Martin Luther King Jr. Day.  I just finished a wonderful salad and Papa John's breadsticks (because she works there... so I get a discount) and now I am blogging.
We are all taking this one pretty hard.  After she tried to kill herself, we didn't really know what to expect.  But we didn't expect this.

 
Desperate times call for desperate breadsticks, I guess.

Things have just been real weird.
Current Location:
Jhill's
Current Mood:
anxious anxious
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2008


Winter

Casimir Pulaski Day- Sufjan Stevens

Tuesday night at the bible study
We lift our hands and pray over your body
But nothing ever happens


Last winter was awful. It was the colors brown and grey. It was friendless, it was Godless, it was a hole.

I began 2009 in Cat's living room, standing next to JHill. We went to bed at 4:30, I woke up to an alarm and my friends sleeping soundly and took the coldest car ride of my life. I went home, put on my scrubs, and went to work all day.

To understand the winter of 2008, you have to understand the end of 2007. I started working at a Veterinary Clinic/Kennel in October. I was elated to be working with animals. When a close family friend died a few weeks later in November, I didn't want to spend time anywhere but at home, curled up on the couch, watching movies with my mom. Winter break came around and I worked 30 hours a week. I was put in charge of way too much, and it became a bad thing. (In February they let their high school help go because you people stopped bringing your dogs in after the holidays).

December, January and February are a blur. I know that I started feeling sick all the time. I know that I stopped coming to school much, and I remember sitting and staring at nothing during my classes (except occasionally British literature. We were studying the period of Modernism, classified by the individual vs. society, the "lost generation", disillusionment, T.S. Eliot's "The Hollow Men"- I came to feel like the only people who understood me were the people I read about in books). I knew that my teachers didn't really know what to do. I never ever ever went out. I grew closer to my mom who I would cry to on hard nights. I was mad at God and I couldn't talk to Him about it, so I never showed up for church and my friends didn't get it. Almost everything worth anything in the world was mad at me, and I was hardening my heart.

I drove a huge red van "Wendy" around. Wendy broke down on me one very dramatic night (before I knew what REAL car trouble was- hah). I was in King's Court and had a new family. We had parties, we played truth or dare (with KISSING- oooooh), we sang madrigal songs and we were the biggest nerds in the performance art department. King's Court was a little glimmer of hope.


Spring

Secret Crowds- Angels & Airwaves

If I had my own world
I'd show you the life that's inside it
The way that it glows when you find it
The way it survives with it's familys, friends or its enemies

You can call it Seasonal Affective Disorder, you can call it the winter blues, or you could just say that there are seasons of the heart (which happen to ALSO be the seasons of the midwest).

There are a few things I remember as catalysts for restoration. 1) One night I realized that God speaks to you primarily through His word. I started reading my bible again. I read "Ephesians" and broke the long fast (hey, breakfast!) of food for the soul. 2) I verbally processed to Angel that my friends weren't bad friends, they just didn't really get understand how I was feeling and didn't know how to be there for me. 3) The Jesus in Jenny Swim took me out to lunch and we had a long talk that was more refreshing than anything. 4) My brother, Rob, always was kind to me in little ways. One time he sent me some mail, one time he put something on my bathroom wall that made me laugh, and one time he listed me in his quotes on facebook and under "favorite movies" he put "anything that Sarah makes."

I spent a lot of time in coffee shops (namely Monon Coffee Company), a lot of time in Broad Ripple and a lot of time with King's Court. I experienced my first earthquake. I restored friendships and heard some apologies (and made some, too). I felt God again and spent time in His word. I went to an Obama rally with my big brother. I listened to a lot of "Seven Swans". I went to Grad Dance with David (and spent the rest of the night ducked out with him and my neighbors during severe weather when the power went off). I drove with my windows down and my music up.

Summer


In the Aeroplane Over the Sea- Neutral Milk Hotel
We Laugh Indoors- Death Cab For Cutie

When we laugh indoors
The blissful tones bounce off the walls
And fall to the ground.
Peel the hardwood back
To let them loose from decades trapped
And listen so still


Summer brought an end to lots of things. King's Court was over, my favorite class was over, people went to college and left me behind. But Summer brought down time and sun-soaking. I had a fun time, but I wasn't doing much of anyone any good, and that didn't really feel nice. I suppose I will look back on this summer years from now and envy my former self. Going to bed late, sleeping in, enjoying things.

I was driving my little unairconditioned two-door junker (a taxi cab for most of my friends). I turned 17. I volunteered, I spent most of my time with Sean and Jessie. We were the trio who couldn't be split up (who were later split up). Oh the nights we spent after the sun fell, talking by my pool and swimming until it was way late. There was a vacation to Myrtle Beach (and Oh! there was seafood, yes there was seafood), and I felt a renewed sense of awe that I am so small. The ocean is humbling. I got baptized alongside my two best friends... an indescribable experience.

Autumn

Writers Block- Peter Bjorn & John
Peaceful, The World Lays Me Down- Noah and the Whale

And the question is, was I more alive
Then than I am now?
I happily have to disagree
I laugh more often now, I cry more often now
I am more me


I started the fall off with a bang (and a very loud one, at that) when I got into the car accident. I was in a three car collision, totaling my dad's car (that HE told me to drive up to Muncie- "yeah, Dad, like I'm going to get in a car accident") and the one that hit me. I spent a couple of weeks walking around like a zombie because of back pain and muscle relaxers. I had a bit of a hard time dealing with all the feelings that come with a car crash.

The rest of autumn is classified by the amount of time I spent down town on Massachusetts avenue (or the amount of time I spent WANTING to be downtown on Massachusetts avenue). I think I started discovering my love for Indianapolis and how much I want to live in a city.  I also discovered how much I love people watching.

School brought the most enjoyable class ever, Drama, and a babysitting job. It also brought cooler air, long walks to Sigur Rós, nights in Broad Ripple with new friends. I remember a particularly enjoyable night at JMac's house (I think it was a Sunday). We went from talking at starbucks to building a bonfire at her house. We lied out under the stars and prayed aloud for maybe an hour. That's one of my favorite memories. I went to Chicago. That was a beautiful trip. God came with me. Actually, this Autumn was amazing for me and God. I learned to trust Him more, learn from Him more, and that (yes) He will stick with me, forever. I saw a lot more of JHill. She went through some stuff. I wanted to be to her what I needed someone to be to me, and we ended up a lot closer than ever before.

Junior Spec started. This is student made one-act plays. You write it, hold auditions, do a ten minutes sampler/promo and four are choosen for the final show. The one I am in (which is basically just my group of friends) made it, and now we are working to the show in a few weeks. It's been really cool. I think this year I have a pretty clear group of friends. We have parties, we unfailing eat Papa John's pizza (because JHill works there, and we don't like spending money) and we make up imaginary characters at three in the morning to ward of the ghost of the woman who died in Cat's house.

Winter

Yellow House- Grizzly Bear
Palimpsest- Smog

Winter weather is not my soul
But the biding for spring...

Why’s everybody looking at me
Like there’s something fundamentally wrong
Like I’m a southern bird
That stayed north too long

Winter exposes the nests
Then I’m gone


Unfailingly, the winter air brings some sorrow. Things haven't been amazing emotionally, but I think that going into it this year knowing that God is with me (always, always, always) makes everything different. I've been having some problems sleeping, and some anxiety, but I am not anything near where I was last year at this time. Here is to hoping that the coming months show no resemblence to last winter.

Christmas was okay. Christmas day meant seven hours of Nerts, a new card game I can't stop playing. I think that the beauty of the Advent meant more to me than anything. I think next year I might just say "screw it" to presents and do something good with money instead. I am more and more sick of commercialization, but feed into it too much. I don't think I feel right about accepting so much stuff when I really do hate what Christmas has become.

I'll see what the new year brings. I want to be fearless. I want to say what I mean (while loving people even when it means being gentle about the truth), and I want to put into action what I know to be true: all things worthwhile in life come with a cost and a risk. If I am going to have any fun or do anything for God, I am going to have to risk looking foolish and goofy. That's okay with me.



And, here's to hoping the rest of my entries aren't as poorly written as this one. Heh.
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Current Music:
Radiohead- Let Down
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"We are fatherless daughters
entering womanhood
with only half our selves
worshiping the mystique
of masculinity."

from "Lonely Women" by Kysha N. Brown



This poem is for my God,
who I call daddy and who is raising me,
who told me that I am going to have a
hell of a time with the Devil.
But that He will hold on to me and care for me,
and bring me out because
I am deserving of true romance.

This poem is to the women in my life,
I am breaking the cycle.
I feel the weight of your decisions,
and I REFUSE to repeat them.
You are more beautiful than you know, but
You were toothbrushes used to scrub floors.
You gave them what they wanted,
and never expected them to return.
And we are picking up the pieces.

This poem is a warning to the men of my family,
explaining that your children and grandchildren will
resemble you merely in appearance.
And hopefully not that much.

This poem is for my children,
you are going to know your worth.
You are.

We are a new generation,
WATCH US!
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