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seven times he runs, washing his face in his hands.

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If I could explain my affliction, it would be that mostly I am just afraid of the day when all of the people in my life, individually, will wake up and realize they should have forgotten me long ago.


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I am not okay on my own, and neither are you. We will never be enough for each other. We will never be able to completely invest in other people, nor will it be in our nature to want to. People are going to disappoint me. If I think that people are ever going to fulfill me, I will be sorely disillusioned. Realizing that people are inherently unsatisfactory is another sign that I am growing up.

And because of this, my summer has sucked. I spend all my time with people, something that I sought after a month ago when I was just focusing on school. Now that I have time, I am beginning to realize that the way I spend my time is not enough. For the first time in my life, I don't just want to do nothing with my summer. I think I am feeling in myself a hole that can only be filled by God, and not just being content in where I am now, but in really growing in Him, learning with Him, and absolutely needing Him.

So, this is why my summer has not really been... enough, yet. This is why I keep trying to convince myself that it's only just begun, when really I know it will end before I know it. I waste time, but God doesn't. I think the words I've written here are evidence that He will always be able to teach me something.

I have always, since I became a Christian, had a place to grow in my faith. Be it youth group, my brother, or just some of my Christian friends, I have always had some place to plug in and grow and learn from others. Things are starting to shift.

A few very influential people in my youth group are going to college this fall. Things will be changing, and though it will give me an opportunity to become a leader in the group, I know that I will feel the loss of 10 o'clock Starbucks trips and emergency lunch meetings to talk about God. Also, my brother was really busy this year with school, and now he is busy again in Florida doing what God surely wants him to be doing. He is a really cool person, and I miss having him around to talk. I know that next year he will be less busy, and it isn't like we ever have all that much time, but even with the knowledge that it's temporary I am feeling his absence a bit. (Rob, if you are reading this, consider it flattery, not a guilt trip). And, one of my closest friends, who happens to share my love for God, is struggling a bit. I miss having her to talk to God about with passion and zeal and excitement. I know that we all have seasons in our faith, but it isn't easy to share in her suffering when I only feel like I am growing closer to God.

I guess, the reason I am telling you this is that I think maybe I am becoming more individual in my faith. I am being forced to interact with God away from the church and away from all my christian friends, in ways that will strengthen me but are also new to me. I am desiring to be with God more and more, and that looks different than it used to.

And here is my last thought:

Claiming to be a Christian has always felt to me like a claim that you believe in certain things. You can be a crappy Christian and still be one. When people call themselves Christ-followers, it raises the stakes. I know I am a Christian, but are my actions God-pleasing?

Let me know what you think.
Current Music:
David Crowder Band
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I am thinking about the way things are and they way they have been.

There is a melancholy feeling about being the spectator to something that also hurts you. I mean, it hurt me too, you know? Like, a lot, but I still can't be a part of it in the way that they are. I can't become what I am not. I can't experience what I haven't. I hope I am not making a huge mistake.

I would like to be everything to everybody. I don't want to be forgotten.

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The Killers- Smile Like You Mean It
Republic Tigers- Buildings and Mountains
Angels & Airwaves- Secret Crowds
Neutral Milk Hotel- The King of Carrot Flowers Pt. 1

Last night I had a dream that one after another all my teeth fell out of my mouth. Then, I said, "maybe this is a dream" and ran into my sliding glass door. Needless to say, I woke up.

I think it meant that I was feeling powerless. But I didn't really need a horrifying dream to tell me that, now, did I?

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This is my Winter Video of 2007, the last of three, with one yet to come. I still have to edit some stuff out of the first one before I put it on here, and this one isn't perfect (check out the 45 seconds of nothingness at the end) but I have yet to sit down and get that done.

I'll post the first two sometime later and the spring video once it's completed!
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i cant find a way to express myself because i dont really know what to express.
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I have felt more close to God over the past few weeks than I have for the whole summer, except during my stay in New Orleans.

How can I tell you where I am?

I can say that God is teaching me so much. I can tell you that people are pouring into me. I am seeing some of the ways that God has been using me. My heart feels full of wonder and excitment. I am home, with my God, with my brothers and sisters and I am peaceful. Let me tell you that my prayers are being answered. God is more real to me than ever.

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Here am I!

Send me, I'll go!

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Watch out Indianapolis. Sarah has her license.
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The past few days have not been as amazing as the rest of the summer has been. My friends are broken and breaking. One is sick physically and emotionally. Another has a broken heart. One feels inadequate, and yet another is not happy with her situation. There is so much bad going on around me.

And I feel that my life is a perpetual cycle. Good things happen to me and I stray away from God. I am a sheep discovering things away from my fields. I am stranding myself from my brothers and sisters. I am wandering about in danger and ignorance. And like a shepherd, I feel God is humbling me again. I am being faced again with the reality of the pain of the world and the pain inside of me. The sadness around me is a revealing display that people need God, and that I need God. The good things that happen to me do not come from me. They are blessings, and they can be taken in a heart beat.

And I feel that being close to God in my suffering is a million times more wonderful than losing him in my happiness. In New Orleans I fully relied on God. He pulled me through. Now, safe at home, I forget that I am called just as greatly to be the body of Christ, and that he is my safety with every step.

But, this passion, this love and excitement has filled me again. I want to work for God. I know he is here because I have such a desire for the things he desires. I want to help the poor! I want to be a light to my hurting friends. How do I start? What words can I use? Let me be a willing servant.
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